If you’ve ever felt like you were constantly competing for someone’s attention, validation, or even love—especially in a relationship that left you drained and confused—you may have experienced triangulation, a classic manipulation tactic used by narcissists to maintain control and power.
Triangulation is the narcissist’s favorite mind game. It’s when they involve a third person—real or imagined—into your relationship to create insecurity, jealousy, and instability. It’s not always obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s brutal. But the goal is always the same: divide, conquer, and control.
What Does Triangulation Look Like?
Here are just a few common ways narcissists use triangulation:
- The “Ex” Comparison:
“My ex never complained like you do.”
This is designed to make you feel inferior and desperate to please them. - The Flying Monkey Invasion:
The narcissist recruits friends, family, or coworkers to gang up on you.
Suddenly, you’re being judged or pressured by people who don’t even know the full story. - Silent Treatment While Flaunting Others:
They ignore your texts, but post pictures with someone else or mention how “amazing” someone else is.
The message? You’re replaceable. - Creating Sibling Rivalries or Friend Tensions:
Narcissistic parents may pit children against one another. Narcissistic friends stir drama just to stay at the center of attention.
Why Do They Do It?
Because triangulation works. It keeps the narcissist in control, while their targets are left anxious, off balance, and fighting for approval. It:
- Validates their inflated ego (“Everyone wants me.”)
- Distracts you from their abuse (“You’re the problem, not me.”)
- Creates chaos they can exploit (“See? You’re overreacting again.”)
A narcissist thrives on attention, power, and admiration—and triangulation gives them all three.
What It Feels Like to Be Triangulated
- You start doubting your worth.
- You feel like you’re in a constant competition.
- You’re anxious, jealous, and confused.
- You’re isolated—because now you’re suspicious of everyone else.
And that’s exactly where they want you: insecure, uncertain, and dependent on their approval.
How to Break the Triangulation Cycle
- Recognize It for What It Is
Triangulation isn’t normal—it’s emotional abuse masked as “honesty,” “opinions,” or “concern.” - Don’t Take the Bait
When a narcissist brings up another person to provoke a reaction, stay calm and nonreactive. They feed off your emotional response. - Go Gray Rock
Keep interactions boring and unemotional. Don’t engage in drama. This makes you less useful as a source of supply. - Set Boundaries, Not Just Walls
Cut off access where necessary, and communicate clearly what behavior you will no longer tolerate. - Protect Your Peace
Distance yourself from the drama triangle. That includes stepping away from flying monkeys and toxic circles.
Final Thoughts
Triangulation is one of the narcissist’s most manipulative tactics—and one of the hardest to spot when you’re in the middle of it. It’s not about love, care, or concern. It’s about control. And the moment you start seeing it clearly, you take your power back.
You don’t have to fight for love.
You don’t have to compete for attention.
You are not hard to love
