The Silent Weapon: How Narcissists Use Triangulation to Divide and Control

 If you’ve ever felt like you were constantly competing for someone’s attention, validation, or even love—especially in a relationship that left you drained and confused—you may have experienced triangulation, a classic manipulation tactic used by narcissists to maintain control and power.

Triangulation is the narcissist’s favorite mind game. It’s when they involve a third person—real or imagined—into your relationship to create insecurity, jealousy, and instability. It’s not always obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s brutal. But the goal is always the same: divide, conquer, and control.

What Does Triangulation Look Like? 

Here are just a few common ways narcissists use triangulation:

• The “Ex” Comparison:
  “My ex never complained like you do.”
  This is designed to make you feel inferior and desperate to please them.
• The Flying Monkey Invasion:
  The narcissist recruits friends, family, or coworkers to gang up on you.
  Suddenly, you’re being judged or pressured by people who don’t even know the full story.
• Silent Treatment While Flaunting Others:
  They ignore your texts, but post pictures with someone else or mention how “amazing” someone else is.
  The message? You’re replaceable.
• Creating Sibling Rivalries or Friend Tensions:
  Narcissistic parents may pit children against one another. Narcissistic friends stir drama just to stay at the center of attention.

Why Do They Do It?

Because triangulation works. It keeps the narcissist in control, while their targets are left anxious, off balance, and fighting for approval. It:

• Validates their inflated ego (“Everyone wants me.”)
• Distracts you from their abuse (“You’re the problem, not me.”)
• Creates chaos they can exploit (“See? You’re overreacting again.”)

A narcissist thrives on attention, power, and admiration—and triangulation gives them all three.

What It Feels Like to Be Triangulated

• You start doubting your worth.
• You feel like you’re in a constant competition.
• You’re anxious, jealous, and confused.
• You’re isolated—because now you’re suspicious of everyone else.

And that’s exactly where they want you: insecure, uncertain, and dependent on their approval.

How to Break the Triangulation Cycle

1. Recognize It for What It Is
   Triangulation isn’t normal—it’s emotional abuse masked as “honesty,” “opinions,” or “concern.”
2. Don’t Take the Bait
   When a narcissist brings up another person to provoke a reaction, stay calm and nonreactive. They feed off your emotional response.
3. Go Gray Rock
   Keep interactions boring and unemotional. Don’t engage in drama. This makes you less useful as a source of supply.
4. Set Boundaries, Not Just Walls
   Cut off access where necessary, and communicate clearly what behavior you will no longer tolerate.
5. Protect Your Peace
   Distance yourself from the drama triangle. That includes stepping away from flying monkeys and toxic circles.

Final Thoughts

Triangulation is one of the narcissist’s most manipulative tactics—and one of the hardest to spot when you’re in the middle of it. It’s not about love, care, or concern. It’s about control. And the moment you start seeing it clearly, you take your power back.

You don’t have to fight for love.

You don’t have to compete for attention.

You are not hard to love

The Narcissist's Response to Loss: Understanding Their Reactions

When a narcissist experiences the death of a source of supply—often someone who provided them with validation, attention, or emotional support—their reactions can be complex and revealing. One common response is indifference or a lack of empathy; many narcissists exhibit little to no emotional response to the loss, focusing instead on how it affects them personally. This self-centered perspective can also manifest as anger or resentment, where they may feel deprived of their source of validation and may even blame others or the deceased for leaving them.

Additionally, narcissists often manipulate situations to draw attention to their own feelings of loss, seeking sympathy from those around them. This need for validation can lead them to quickly seek another source of supply to fill the void left by the deceased, demonstrating a pattern of moving on without much reflection. 

Furthermore, their coping mechanisms may lead to idealization or devaluation of the deceased. They might project a perfect image of the person after their passing, or conversely, focus on negative traits to justify their lack of emotional connection. Understanding these reactions provides insight into the complex emotional landscape of narcissists and highlights the challenges they face when confronted with loss.

The Narcissist’s Smear Campaign: How They Twist the Truth to Destroy Your Reputation

Narcissists often engage in smear campaigns as a calculated strategy to undermine their targets and manipulate public perception. They meticulously craft and disseminate false narratives, painting their victims as untrustworthy, incompetent, or even dangerous, thereby diverting attention away from their own shortcomings.  Ultimately, the narcissist's goal is to assert control and superiority, leaving their target feeling vulnerable and discredited.

1. Lies About Character: Claiming that you are dishonest, untrustworthy, or unethical, even if you have a solid reputation.

2. Exaggerated Flaws: Amplifying minor mistakes or flaws to portray you as incompetent or unworthy  

3. Relationship Issues: Spreading rumors about your personal relationships, suggesting infidelity or instability.

4. Mental Health Accusations: Suggesting that you are mentally unstable or have emotional problems to discredit your opinions or actions.

5. Substance Abuse Claims: Accusing you of being an alcoholic or drug addict, which can severely damage your personal and professional reputation.

6. Financial Misconduct: Implying that you are irresponsible with money or have engaged in fraudulent activities.

7. Isolation Tactics: Claiming that you are a difficult person to work with, leading others to avoid collaborating with you.

8. Victim Blaming: Portraying you as the aggressor in conflicts, even if you were the victim of their manipulation.

These rumors can be particularly damaging as they target your credibility and character in various aspects of life.

The Two Faces of a Narcissist: Charming in Public, Cruel in Private

If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you’ve probably noticed how different they act depending on who’s watching. In public, they’re charismatic, generous, and even admired. But behind closed doors? It’s a completely different story. The same person who seems loving and kind in front of others can be cold, manipulative, and even cruel when no one else is around.

The Public Persona: A Carefully Crafted Illusion

Narcissists thrive on attention and admiration, so they put on a show for the world. They might be the life of the party, the helpful friend, or the doting partner that everyone envies. This isn’t just a coincidence—it’s a strategy. By building a flawless image, they ensure that if their victim ever speaks out, no one will believe them. “They’re so nice! That doesn’t sound like them at all!” is exactly the kind of response a narcissist counts on.

What Happens Behind Closed Doors

In private, the mask comes off. The same person who was showering you with affection in public might now be criticizing, gaslighting, or ignoring you completely. Narcissists break people down slowly, stripping away self-worth until their victim starts to question their own reality. They use manipulation to keep control, making sure their target stays trapped in the cycle.

Why Do People Stay?

From the outside, it’s easy to say, “Why don’t they just leave?” But the truth is, by the time someone realizes they’re in a toxic situation, their self-esteem is already shattered. Narcissists condition their victims to believe they’re the problem, making it hard to walk away. Plus, the constant cycle of love-bombing and abuse keeps them hooked, always hoping the “good” version of the narcissist will return.

Breaking Free

The first step to escaping a narcissist’s grip is recognizing the pattern. Once you see through their act, it becomes easier to detach emotionally. Setting firm boundaries, seeking support, and reminding yourself that their public persona is just a performance can help break the cycle. Healing takes time, but with distance and self-care, it’s possible to rebuild what they tried to destroy.

If you’ve ever been in this situation, know that you’re not alone. A narcissist’s greatest trick is making their victim feel isolated, but the truth is, many have been through it and come out stronger. You deserve to be around people who truly love and respect you—not just when others are watching, but always.