Triangulation: How Narcissists Use Other People as Weapons

Triangulation is the tactic of introducing a third party into a two-person dynamic for the purpose of destabilization. In practice, this looks like many different things. It might be the narcissist constantly referencing an ex who still wants them back, keeping you in a state of low-grade insecurity. It might be the way they talk about a colleague who thinks they are brilliant, positioning you as someone who does not appreciate them enough. It might be using your children, your friends, or your family members to relay messages, gather information, or deliver emotional blows that the narcissist wants delivered without their fingerprints on the delivery. What all of these variations have in common is the narcissist's strategic use of other people to generate the reactions they want from you: jealousy, insecurity, competition, gratitude, or fear. The third party in a triangulation dynamic is rarely aware they are being used. They are simply a tool.

Recognizing triangulation requires stepping back from the immediate emotional response it produces and asking a specific question: who benefits from me feeling this way right now? If the answer is consistently the narcissist, you are likely being triangulated. The response to triangulation is not to compete with the third party, which is what the narcissist wants, but to disengage from the dynamic entirely. Refuse to ask about the ex. Refuse to seek reassurance about the colleague. Refuse to receive messages through intermediaries. Each time you engage with a triangulation attempt, you confirm to the narcissist that it works on you and you are likely to receive more of it. The goal of triangulation is to keep you anxious, focused on the relationship, and willing to work harder for the narcissist's attention. When you stop competing, the dynamic loses its power.